Happiness?
by RandomShinny
Summary: Happiness is like a funnel, draining you of all other feelings. You want to be happy, happy is supposed to be good, but the feeling, the stoic feeling happiness entails scares you. Mer-centric, My interpretation of stepping in her shoes.


**A/N: First shot at a GA fic. It's very short, especially compared to what I used to write, but I got the idea down. Just sort of something I started writing after listening to a song that reminded me of Mer. Just sort of a reflection about Mer and my interpretation of a look through the lens she sees through everyday. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, it belongs to the amazinf Sonda Rhymes and/or ABC. The only thing thats mine is the idea to write this.  
**

**Summary: Happiness is like a funnel, draining you of all other feelings. You want to be happy, happy is supposed to be good, but the feeling, the stoic feeling happiness entails scares you**.

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Happiness is like a funnel, draining you of all other feelings. You want to be happy, happy is supposed to be good, but the feeling, the stoic feeling happiness entails scares you. The idea makes you sick and panicky, the idea that once you're there it's the same, always the same, like utopia and utopia is the one idea you know you could never live with. But, you try to push past that, knowing the idea is absurd and no one else would see things that way, yet the silent fears tug at you're legs, holding you back, before you are ever able to voice them. Inability to speak them stemming from the unconscious belief that if you speak them, there will be a truth to you're words, and suddenly everyone will see you differently. They may already have judgments about you, but judgments are only empty opinions unless justified.

You've never known happy, not really. By the time you ever encountered anything that you should be truly happy about, a reason to be happy, you had been self-taught to let emotions go only so deep. Before you ever knew that it didn't have to be this way, life wasn't supposed to be this hard, it was too late, or so you feel, despite what everyone around you says. It's bad, you're damaged, you're learning to live with it, to learn from scratch the things you should have learned the first time around but situations, 'fate', always kept you from.

Trust? What is that really? You don't know, it's not really within you're realm of comprehension because you've never lived it 100%, so real trust is a mystery to you. To you, trust lies in the same boat of happiness, and that's you're biggest problem. You see trust as being complete, that once someone has it from you, it's always, never changing, and that supposed to be a good thing. But, there in lies the problem, from the way you see things, never changing brings back the same stoic feeling, and that panicky feeling, the one that makes you sick to think about and you stay quiet, avoidance is you're middle name.

He's a good guy, you know it, he knows it, everyone knows it. He makes you want to try for happy, learn to live the way you never learned how, you want to try and trust him, but as of now you can't. He makes you feel like you want those things, but the walls are still in you're way, walls so thick, unscratched because you live to avoid them so you have no idea of how you even supposed to begin. You love him, you know you love him, but sometimes it isn't enough. There's a problem here, damage that runs deep when you can admit you love someone, feel like you want the same things he wants but you can't actually bring yourself to do them.

But, then you take a second look. A second look at the walls and you notice something different. The walls look different, and you think that this is a good thing. It's good, different. You _know_ it's a good thing, it may just be a feeling, but ever since that incident with the bomb, you've been more prone to believing these sorts of feelings.

Suddenly you hear a knock on the door, and you turn around, away from the mirror you'd been staring at, away from the reflection that had been staring you down for the last ten minutes.

"You ready?" He ask, and you nod, and you offer a soft smile, the kind you don't give to often. He smiles back, amusement and curiosity at your smile reflecting in his eyes. "What?" He ask, that playful look translating into a playful tone as he speaks.

You shake your head, 'nothing', but as he seems to except this reply to speak, "I love you." Ad his smile grows bigger, and he reaches his hand out to you and as you take it her replies,

"I Love you too." You walk hand in hand down the stairs and as he hands you your coat and opens the front door you watch him. You're feeling happy, in this moment, in his presence, and it's not making panicky. Your hearts racing, but the sinking in your stomach is notably absent. This is a good thing, the fear not there, and you decide you like it. You decide this is something you want to learn, you'll try for until you get it right, until the sinking feeling is gone for good.

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**A/N: Hope you all enjoyed it. Read, review?, criticize? Should I keep writing in GA? It's up too you, but feedback's always appreciated. ^_____^  
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